Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's never too late to be topless.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
