So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
