Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
