The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
