Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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