two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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