Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
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I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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