you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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