I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Randomize
