he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
