I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
