You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
