This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dick very happy bro
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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