you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
either way he was missing a nipple.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
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I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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