If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
