my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it's like iHOP with fire
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
