cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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