Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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