im holly from the hills drunk
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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