Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
barbara walters just said penis...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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