sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
