if you like me you must not know who I am
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
