for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
