I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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