I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my shit smells like andre
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
