Apparently you make a good broom.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
