The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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