just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
