Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.