sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
