I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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