I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
