I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
