I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
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Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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