Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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