This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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