i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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