After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
