I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
