Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
