I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Randomize
