I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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