Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
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Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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