Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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