god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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