I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
