i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize