She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
