i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
