So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
