He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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