why didn't you poke me back
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
