I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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