who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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