im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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