So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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