Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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