Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
