So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
