i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
